You want to know what I love? I love coming over a trial. Especially when I was nearly blinded from the trial in the first place. It's not that I didn't realize my faith was being tested, I just didn't realize in what way it was.
Ever since I received the inspiration to go forward with a hospital birth, the idea of being subject to a cesarean has been weighing heavy on my heart. In my mind, I could imagine a few possibilities of why the Lord would want us to be in a hospital setting. One of these, of course, was the major possibility of having a C-section. This is an actual fear of mine, one that is attached to fear of emotional trauma and, of course, the physical trauma as well. I think, for me, it would be a really hard idea to have to cope with. I have been thinking about it night and day, and when I'm not actively thinking of the idea, I have it stored in the back where it's weight has been distributed throughout my whole body. The funny thing about it though, was that I had no idea how much weight I was carrying around by feeding that thought.
The past month, I've been reading a really uplifting book ,"The Gift of Giving Life", written by LDS women about pregnancy, birth and our divine nature as women to be able to bring life into this world through a partnership with God. It's really been a wonderful book to read, I would highly recommend it for any woman actually. Anyhow, sprinkled throughout this book are birth stories from other LDS women and how their experience and faith helped them through the birth, whether it be natural or by C-section. As I would read the sections on C-section births, I would desperately try to connect myself with being at peace with that situation, should it arise. I didn't get that peace. I would tell myself to keep searching and all will be OK if I just go forward in faith.
I wasn't really expecting this fear to go away, I just assumed I would be able to come to terms with the idea and deal with it when and if it should arise.
A couple of days ago I went to see our midwife for my monthly appointment and the dreaded glucose test. Because this would be a longer appointment, I left Charly and Piper with a dear friend and kept Winnie with me. As our very cheerful midwife entered the room she informed me that from here on out I would be seeing her every two weeks, as it is for women in their third trimester. The idea that we are nearing the end kind of jolted me. I'm not ready, I thought to myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm of course ready to add to our family and love our precious son, but it's super important for me to feel mentally and physically prepared for birth, which at that point in our discussion I wasn't. It's like gearing up for the ultimate marathon, one does not just simply go into it without any preparation. Anyhow, this appointment with our lovely midwife was different. Usually I don't engage in heavy conversation, I am friendly but have an attitude of someone who has done this three times before. Jenean measured my fundal height and concluded that Ephraim is just where he should be, I'm measuring right where we should for this time in the pregnancy. This fact made me happy because, more than once, I have been approached by people asking when I'm going to "pop" and them being totally shocked that I still had three more months. Seriously, I was starting to have issues with it. None the less, everything is well. So, here is where my light bulb moment occurs. I hadn't ever planned on mentioning anything about my fears of a Cesarean to our midwife. Seriously, who wants to put that on your provider's radar. Certainly not me. It was then that the words of all my concerns came spewing out of me like a faucet that had no off switch. I was rather surprised that I let the lid off that one. Suddenly, though, I felt like I needed to "prepare" for any situation. All I could think about was being prepared. As much as I hated to be talking about my fears, it was relief of pressure I had no idea was bubbling up.
Every single word my midwife spoke felt like it was delivered especially for me. I am thankful she is a woman of faith! She went through procedures and calmed me almost immediately. It was the weirdest thing as I sat their for thirty minutes discussing c-sections with her. Slowly, the Lord was taking my fears from me.
As soon as I walked out of her office I felt physically lighter. I'm not even kidding. My body felt different, my mind was clearer and I felt like I stood more upright. It was then that I remembered the scripture, D&C 38:30 " I tell you these things because of your prayers; wherefore treasure up wisdom in your bosoms....if ye are prepared ye shall not fear."
The Lord has not been leading my heart in fear! The Lord knew exactly what I needed to be prepared to birth in a hospital. He knew my fears of a Cesarean and how that has hindered my body physically from moving forward. How could I be so blind?
I'm not afraid anymore, in fact, I don't think Ephraim and I will have any problems with the birth. I now know that, by preparing for every aspect of what could happen, I am now mentally at peace with moving forward. The Lord wanted to give me peace by being prepared. Such a simple concept, yet one that took me so long to understand.
It's funny, as I have reflected on the past few months, I've been so tired. I've felt exhausted beyond belief and I thought it was because I was just physically tired from growing a human being. No, this physical exhaustion was overflowing from the mental exhaustion I was causing myself by worrying. People didn't ask me if I was due any day now because I was looking extra large, it was because I had the countenance of a woman who was ready to be done. And, in all fairness, that was sort of true. I had the presence of someone who was ready to birth but the mentality of a woman who was scared and hesitant to move forward.
I know with all my heart that our Heavenly Father loves every one of us and is aware of our situations and trials. I'm so grateful for this knowledge! What a blessing to be able to move forward with not only a stronger physical body, but with a strengthened testimony as well.