My Kid's Mom

As a young girl,  I would jokingly tell those around me that I wanted ten kids. Behind the sarcastic tone was a girl who yearned to have this seemingly extreme future become a reality. I have always wanted to be "just" a mom, without ever the desire to work outside the home. Somewhere along the past couple of years I have lost sight of what's really important to me. I've been busy trying to seek the validation of worldly matters. As most of you know, the past year has been such a wonderful learning experience for me as I participated in the BYUI-Pathway program. Through the last twelve months, I have gained a stronger testimony of who I am and my purpose here on earth. It's something that is hard for me to put down in words, but I will try. 

The past two years I have stumbled so much with what my purpose is, going back and forth with developing a career in lifestyle photography or being content with "just" raising my children.

When we first came to Texas I rediscovered my love for photography and went head first into developing my talent that I may turn it into a business. This seemed like something I should do because, after all, I was good at it, and because I was good at it, I should pour my energy into trying to make a financial gain through it. It has only been recently that I have realized my efforts to establish a photographer's name for myself have been in vain. It occurred to me that I can't, and don't want to, be a "photographer" by trade. While my worldly outlook tells me that I should pursue a career, my heart tells me that I have had my priorities a little out of balance as I have worked to further my business.  I have been so busy receiving messages from outside sources that I have lost the ability to receive messages from what really matters. This past year resulted in changes that have put me back in line with where I feel I am destined to be. Sure, I am good at multitasking, but as I have been busy with homeschooling my three children, furthering my own education and trying to become a full-time photographer, I realize that something has to give. I've decided that the "something giving" is professional photography. I have been trying to make my identity about my abilities outside motherhood, which defies everything I have ever believed about who I was born to become. This decision has surprisingly been an easy one to come to, as I looked back on all the efforts on my end and the way things just never seemed to pan out in the end, I've realized that this is just not my season. It has taken me daily efforts to remind myself that being a mother is enough.  I've only ever wanted to be a mom, to have a house full of kids- kids that love each other and kids that know I will always be there for them.

So here I am, being OK with not trying to have it "all"; that's the misconception of it all though, having an eternal family who loves each other is having it all. I know that now. From now on when I pick up my camera it will be to capture the joys of what my family goes through, to capture the sorrows, the struggles, but most of all, the reasons for me wanting to be a mom in the first place. I so love this calling, I love my children, and I love my husband for the support and encouragement he gives to me. Nathan has watched me through this personal struggle and has given me more support than I deserve, I'm grateful for those around me who have supported me in this adventure, who have come forward to help or stood back when needed and let me find my own path. My shoulders are a little lighter and my outlook for the year is brighter knowing that the pressure I put on myself to be someone else is removed. This year I'm focusing completely on being me, a wife, a homeschooling mom , a gal who just happens to be skilled with her camera *wink*, and the eternal companion of a delicious husband who desperately needs me to make him my priority . This beautiful life is enough for me. I am happy. 

 

In sharing my own personal struggles I take no judgment on those who choose a different path. This post was written in regards to what works best for my family. With that being said, please know that I come from a place of love and if it seems there is judgment with my words, it is unintentional.